Category: Suffering

The Silent Scream

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou5 Comments

The Silent Scream

There are times in my life where I just want to scream.  I want to pick something up and throw it against the wall.  It happens unexpectedly—and it is usually related to pain.  The pain of grief.

And….the anger of grief.

I can be going about my day, doing some menial task–like sorting socks–and I will come across one of Sean’s old socks.  The loss of Sean hits me.  It just hits me out of nowhere.  This blinding pain.  And then comes this rage.  And I want to throw something. 

Inside my head, I scream.  I call it the silent scream.

Sometimes, I come across a photo that I don’t usually see of Sean, (we have photos all around the house of Sean, and I’m used to seeing them–they don’t surprise me or hurt me anymore), but sometimes, I’ll unexpectedly see a photo of him—and it is like a hit in the stomach, and inside my head, I silently scream.

It’s funny—I’ve heard about the five stages of grief, as though once you’re through a stage, you are done with it.  That hasn’t been my experience.  Grief still has the power to knock me down.  Grief still has the power to elicit anger inside of me.  A pure instinctive reaction—-that says, “no, this can’t be my reality.  This beloved son of mine, can’t be gone.”  And when I have to acknowledge once again that he is gone, I just want to wail and scream.

Why am I writing this?  Well, I suppose because I want other people who are in pain, to know they aren’t alone.

After Sean died, I would try to find blogs or pieces written by others who had lost a child.  It helped me to have someone to identify with.  However, after awhile, the ones I read–they didn’t talk about the pain anymore.  Perhaps they thought they needed to put on a brave face and go on.  

However, the people who didn’t deny the pain, who would refer to it—those were the people I appreciated.  They are the ones who helped me the most.

I think our society is uncomfortable with pain.  I think we are uncomfortable with suffering.  I think we like to deny its existence and pretend it is not there.  It is too big for us.  It is too hopeless for us.

It is NOT too big for God.  It is NOT too hopeless for God.   This is what I have found—over, and over and over again.   God is with me in the pain.  God is with me in the suffering.  

Here’s what I wish for each of you reading this—that in your pain and in your suffering—that you would experience the reality that God is with you as well.  And I pray that in that reality–we would experience God in a way we never would have otherwise.  

May We Be Encouraged!!

Your part in the story will go on….

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou8 Comments

Today, I reread an old journal of mine. I found this journal that I kept right after my son Sean died.  In it, I share memories of Sean, and I pour out my grief and sorrow.  However, as I read it–I was struck by a quote I wrote down from the movie, “The Return of the King, (Lord of the Rings). ,  “How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.” (Frodo Baggins). “

At the end of the movie, Frodo says to Sam, “You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do. Your part in the story will go on.

It struck me because just recently I wrote in my journal: 

Father,  I have been saying, , “You are worthy of loving, You are worthy of serving, You are worthy of obeying, You are worthy of trusting, you are worthy of praising even when my world and circumstances are horrid.”   For one thing–You will always be worthy regardless of my life and circumstances.  For another thing–there are wonderful moments as well as the horrid ones. 

There is my sweet 6 month old grandbaby giving us her mostly toothless grins, and the sweetness and vibrancy of our one year old granddaughter, the charm and laughter of our two year old granddaughter, and exuberance and tenderness of our six year old grandson, the thoughtfulness and compassion of our 8 year old granddaughter.

There are the conversations with my dramatic and daring daughters–where they show me who they are, and I hear about the moments of their lives.  There are the conversations with my usually silent sons, where they let me into their worlds and their hearts.

There are many sweet, loving moments with my servant-hearted husband,  and our long conversations with each other.

There are many, many acts of love from my family.  There is such sweetness in the times we get to talk and the times we have with one another.

After Sean died–I wanted to die too.  But, I knew I still had a job to do here on this earth.  I knew that though I did not know how I was going to pick up the pieces of my life–that my part in the story must go on for many years.   And lo, and behold, I have found that in spite of all the pain, in spite of all the continued pain–that time does not heal—I have gone on.  I have enjoyed life.  I have enjoyed the many, many gifts of life.  I have come to the conclusion over and over again that—”There’s some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.”  (a quote from Sam to Frodo–as they fight to save the world from the forces of evil.)

“There’s some good in this world, and it is worth fighting for.”   God is the One who gives us all that is good in this world–and He is worth living for, He is worth dying for, He is worth everything!!  When darkness threatens to fall over our entire world–let us remember–that:

“There is some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it is worth fighting for.”

May We be encouraged!!

Thankful

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou6 Comments

This week I had to go to the Dentist for a cleaning.  While there, and chatting with some other ladies, I was asked how many children I have.  I responded with, I have five, but one is in heaven.   This opened up the conversation–where I heard another lady tell me she had a child in heaven also, and then others started telling their tragic stories—an eleven year old killed while hunting, a car accident, a disease.   

Why am I recounting this—because tomorrow is Thanksgiving—the day we as individuals, communities, and a nation, give Thanks to God.   It is the time we recognise that God is God—the giver of our blessings, the giver of our lives–but is He also the giver of our trials, and the taker of life?    If so, why would we want to thank Him for that?   

Why would I want to thank Him for taking my son?   Why would others want to thank HIm for their trials, their diseases, the loved ones He has taken?  Why?

Wouldn’t we want to avoid this God, who can take from us our health, our loved ones, our very lives?

That is what many do.  They avoid God—thinking by doing this–that maybe He will forget about them—and they can avoid the pain of life.

Many wonder—how do I get on the good side of this God–so that I will receive good things from HIm?

Others say—it is not God doing these things to us—it is us doing these things to us—-we kill each other, we sinned in the first place–and this brought sin into the world—so now we have diseases, accidents and earthquakes and hurricanes and tornadoes.   God isn’t responsible for those things—we are responsible.

But what does God say?   He tells us quite clearly that He is sovereign over the affairs of men. He tells us that He is on the throne.   He is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.   Yet He also tells us that He has given us free will.  We can choose to sin.  He allows us the consequences of our sin.  If we point a gun at someone else and pull the trigger and shoot–the other person will be shot.  The other person will pay the price for our choice.  

If we choose to drive recklessly, others may pay the price of our choice.  

This King of Kings, and this Lord of Lords—chose to reveal Himself to us—by coming down from heaven, being born of a Virgin, becoming a baby, living life as a humble carpenter, having a three year ministry, where he healed people with diseases, healed the lepers, healed the blind, set people walking again—-He touched the suffering and the downtrodden—-and then He died for us, and as He did so—He forgave those who crucified Him, saying they did not know what they were doing.

Jesus showed us a God who loves us, all of us–deeply—a God who suffers with us—a God who heals us—and He heals not just our bodies—He heals our souls.

He deals with our sin condition—-when He was crucified on the cross—He crucified all our sin on the cross.  We can now experience freedom from choosing to sin. When He rose from the dead, He showed us a God who has power over death—and that He will raise us after death as well.

We are not condemned by Him.  We are not judged by Him.  We are forgiven.

We are forgiven.

We have been given life—for all eternity with Him.  The One who loves us.  The One whose scars show us His heart for us. Our great, powerful God—is humble, gentle and loving. He is near to the brokenhearted. He is near to me. He is near to you.

But He will not force Himself upon us. We each need to choose Him. He says, “Behold I stand at the door and knock.”… Rev. 3:20 Each person has a choice to make—will they let Him in? Will they open the door of their life and let Him in?

I let God in—and so…..

I am thankful!!  I am thankful!!  I am thankful to our God!!

May you be encouraged—during this season of thankfulness.

My Ode To Michelle Beckman

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou12 Comments

Six years ago, a dear friend of mine died and I wrote a piece in her honor, called, “ My Ode To Michelle Beckman.”  I would like to share that piece with you, but before I do, I want to tell you that I learned something about suffering from Michelle.  I learned that many times– people who are suffering, can enter into others’ suffering and help them.  When our son died, I allowed Michelle to enter into my suffering, because she had cancer, and she was suffering herself.  I knew she understood suffering.

I have also found that because of my suffering, others would share their stories of suffering with me.  They trusted me, they took off their masks and let me see their suffering.

Scripture talks about that if one of us in the body is hurting, others in the body share in that suffering, (I Cor. 12:26).  Honestly, before the death of my son, I have tried to avoid suffering, and so avoided sharing in the suffering of others.

The times where God has allowed me to join in another’s suffering, have been times where I was most aware of God’s presence, love and strength.  I know that these are actually great gifts from God, and have revealed the Lord more fully in my eyes.  Michelle was one of the people God used to teach me these things.  So without further ado: 

My Ode to Michelle Beckman

August 11, 2016

Dear Family & Friends,

     My friend Michelle Beckman stepped into eternity yesterday.  She walked past that line that has many of us wondering what she found.  I’ve read the posts on her wall, each one was a testimony to her love for God and love for others.  They were each an encouragement to me, as I face the future without her friendship.   

      I met Michelle in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  She was finishing up her degree in teaching at Marquette University.  She became a christian her freshman year in college when another college student named Mary Kay shared with her how she could have a relationship with God.   Michelle never got over the wonder that the Creator of the Universe wanted  her so much that He left all the glory of heaven, took on the limits of human flesh, suffered and died for her.   Her God was an intensely personal, loving, consuming God.  

      Michelle got involved with Cru, and was discipled by Margaret Yu for two years.  When Margaret left Milwaukee, I came as the Cru staff woman, and I met Michelle.

      Michelle and I had one semester  together before she left to do her student teaching.  Honestly, when we reconnected 3 years ago, I had very vague memories of her.  I knew that I knew her—but I didn’t remember many of the details.

      She told me that I had a sleepover party where we stayed up all night talking, and she told me the story of her relationship with her Dad.  I looked at her and asked, “Have you forgiven him?”  She said this question sent her on a 10 year journey of asking herself that same question?  (I am now a parent of adult children—and believe me when I say—one could be the very best parent one could be, and there would be a need for a child to forgive a parent, just as there is a need for a parent to forgive a child.)

       When we reconnected, Michelle told me about her cancer.  I had lost a very good friend to cancer before this—my best friend in fact—and it was agony for me.  My heart was broken, my grief overwhelming.  I had also lost my dad.  I knew what it was to grieve—and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to get all that close to Michelle.  She would be hard to resist..  She asked great questions, she listened, she cared, she laughed, she had depth and spiritual discernment.  What more could you ask for from a friend?

       Two weeks after we reconnected, my son Sean was killed when he was out on a training bike ride.  He was hit by a car.

       Michelle ran to help me.  She entered into my suffering.  I don’t know how else to describe what she did.  She sent me a book that she heard about on a radio show.  She said the Holy Spirit told her to send me this book.  It was called, LAMENT FOR A SON,… It was a father’s journal that he wrote after losing his son in a mountain climbing accident.  One of the things that he said that resonated with me was, “If someone is worth loving than they are worth grieving.”

       She sent me a CD of worship songs.  We wrote back and forth to each other on a consistent basis.   

      She suffered with me.  I do not know how else to describe it.  She wasn’t afraid of suffering.  She did not avoid the pain.   

       This is quite amazing to me because I would have avoided the pain of her suffering, if not for my own.  And honestly, if she had not been suffering, I would not have let her enter into mine.  Other friends had tried to enter into my suffering, and share this pain, but my walls were high, my barriers strong.

       When scripture talks about sharing in Jesus’ suffering for the sake of His church, I think I finally know what that means.  I have experienced Michelle sharing in my suffering, and these last months of her life, I have been privileged to enter into her suffering.    

       One of Michelle’s greatest prayers, is that God’s people would be fully surrendered to our Lord.  I know that fear is what keeps me from surrendering.  Fear of pain, fear of suffering.   “When you face the thing you’ve always feared, you learn you have nothing to fear, for God is with you through it all.”  This is a direct quote of my friend, Becky Crain, when she found out she had stage 4 breast cancer when she was 5 months pregnant.  She entered into eternity when her baby was 4 months old.

    All my life I have tried to escape from pain and suffering.  God has used Michelle to show me how to face it, even embrace it.  Knowing her has helped me grieve for my son, and all the other losses in my life;  and oddly, it will even help me as I grieve for her.  Also, I have finally experienced the truth of what Becky was trying to tell me all those years ago.  “When you face the thing you’ve always feared, you learn you have nothing to fear, for God is with you through it all.”

May We Be Encouraged

Spring Cleaning

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou5 Comments

This is the time of year for Spring Cleaning—cleaning out closets, and cupboards, giving away what others can use, and throwing away what no one can use, organizing and cleaning what remains.   

I don’t really like Spring Cleaning.  It is not my “milieu”—my area of strength.

I feel like God has been doing some Spring Cleaning, in my “house.”   Lately, I have been through some circumstances that have reminded me of other painful times in my life.  Times of conflicts with others, times I felt vulnerable and exposed and rejected.

Usually, when I am reminded of these times, I feel the same feelings of anger and a desire for the offending party to experience justice.   This time, God has said, “I want you to look at this situation, really look–and I want you to forgive this person.  Forgive them from your heart.  Now, I want you to Thank Me, for this — whatever it is.    

In the words of Ney Bailey, “We become bitter to the degree that we do not give thanks.”  Or in the words of scripture, “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God, and no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble and by it many be defiled.”  Hebrews 12:15

“In everything give thanks for this is the will of God for you, in Christ Jesus our Lord.” 1 Th 5:18

God commands us to give thanks to Him, in everything!!  He tells us this, for our benefit–to get our eyes off the storm, and onto Him–our Protector in the midst of the storms.

When I was giving thanks to God for these difficult things–I did not feel thankful, I will probably never “feel” thankful.  I thanked Him because I am seeking to obey Him, despite my feelings.  I am seeking to live a life of faith–of obeying what God tells me, in spite of my feelings.

For a long time, I have let my feelings dictate my forgiveness of others.  But as I said in my last post, Embracing Joy, I am determined to forgive others who have wronged me, and to seek forgiveness from others whom I have wronged.

I also seek to thank God for these situations—as doing so digs out the roots of bitterness in my life, roots I did not even realize were taking hold of my heart and my life, until God began doing some Spring Cleaning in my life.

I think God has been desiring to do this Spring Cleaning in my life, for a long time, but I have been putting this off for a long time–just as I put off the Spring Cleaning in my home, because I don’t like it.  However, I love the end result of Spring Cleaning.  I love finding things in my closet.  I love finding things in my house.  I love a good, cleaned and organized, visually beautiful home.

We are God’s temple.  He lives inside of each of us.  When we allow Him to give us a “Spring Cleaning”, we really reflect Him.  We reflect His love and forgiveness for others.  We reflect His eternal priorities and perspectives.  We reflect His generosity and grace.   We shine–because He is shining through us.

I encourage all of us, to take some time with the Lord and allow Him to point out the areas where only He can go, to sweep out the cobwebs, and shine all the lights–to get rid of the roots of bitterness–and wash away the sins of unforgiveness.    It may be painful at first, but afterwards–”it yields the peaceful fruit of His righteousness.”  Hebrews 12:11  

Jesus wants to do some Spring Cleaning–and He is really good at it!!  He is just waiting for us to give Him the keys to our homes.  

May We Be Encouraged!!

The Fixer

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou8 Comments

One of the hardest things about living on this earth is seeing the ones I love in pain, and suffering.

I want to fix it and make it all better for them.

When my children were young, it seemed that I could “fix” things for them. I could, “kiss” the boo-boo, I could nurse them back to health, I could plan an excursion for them, to cheer them up.

Not only can I not “fix” things for others, but I also cannot “fix” things for myself.

The following song has been speaking greatly to me these days, and I thought I would share the lyrics with you all.  These are the words that are really resonating with me:  There’s freedom in surrender.  Lay it down and let it go.

I love that contrast of words—freedom and surrender.  I want freedom—freedom from the trials and tribulations of life—from the problems of life—-I think most people want freedom.   However, the path to freedom is surrender.  It involves surrendering myself to God—I’m fine with giving Him, my problems—and surrendering those to Him—I’m not so good with surrendering myself to Him.  That is a spiritual battle—and involves fighting several lies.

These are the two biggest lies I fight:  God doesn’t really love me—-(I look at all the bad things that have happened in my life to confirm this lie.)  Therefore—I can’t really trust Him with my life.

The lyrics-–If your eyes are on the storm, you’ll wonder if I love you still, but if your eyes are on the cross, you’ll know I always have and I always will—–mean so much to me—because they help me to focus on the proof of God’s love for me.

“For God demonstrated His own love for us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

  God is perfectly just, and perfectly loving—all these things are found in the cross of Jesus.

He satisfied His justice– by Jesus dying to pay the penalty for each of our sins.   He satisfied the love He has for us—by Jesus dying to pay the penalty for each of our sins.  

When I start doubting God’s love for me, because of the storms of my life—I can fight those doubts by remembering the cross—God’s proof of His love for me.

So, enjoy this song—and be encouraged—for God loves us—He always has, and He always will!!

Just Be Held

Lyrics: Hold it all together

 Everybody needs you strong

 But life hits you out of nowhere

 And barely leaves you holding on

 And when you’re tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There’s freedom in surrender

 Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

 You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

 Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

 I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

 Just be held, just be held

 If your eyes are on the storm You’ll wonder if I love you still

 But if your eyes are on the cross You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted

 In time, you’ll understand

 I’m painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands

 Lift your hands, lift your eyes

 In the storm is where you’ll find Me

 And where you are, I’ll hold your heart

 I’ll hold your heart

 Come to Me, find your rest In the arms of the God who won’t let go.

Running to the Father

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou6 Comments

Month ago, I wrote about going through a time of being shaken.  In case you wondered—that time is still going on, and the shaking grows worse.  Sometimes I wonder if I am going to survive.  I find myself crying often.  I don’t even wear eye makeup anymore.  What is the point?  It will just get cried off.

So, what is to be done?  That’s just the thing—the circumstances are ones that I have no control over.  None.  They involve loved ones and their choices, and their illnesses.  So, I pray, I grieve, I speak truth and love into situations, hoping to comfort and encourage, and bless. I serve, I give, but I have absolutely no control. 

None whatsoever.  I know that I am facing the reality that I will lose people I love here on this earth.  I know that I am facing others ruining and wrecking their lives here on this earth.

So what is to be done?  Do I rail at God—hoping my anger, and my ire will motivate Him to move!!

Do I rail at the circumstances, hoping my anger will change the circumstances?

Do I pray, and pray, and pray, hoping my prayers will change the circumstances?  Yes—this is what I opt to do.  What I am finding, is that my prayers are not changing the circumstances—but I am changing.

I am changing from anger to acceptance.  I am changing from despair to hope.  Not hope that everything will turn out the way I want it to turn out—but hope that God will prevail over the darkness.  It is a hope that persists in spite of the circumstances.  It is a hope that is quiet and deep and stays.

It’s source is from God—so it is an immovable hope—or as Bill Sweeney, fellow blogger said, “An Unshakeable Hope.”   One of the blogs that Bill wrote, that I read this morning, is “One Day At A Time.”  Bill was diagnosed with ALS and had it for over 20 years before he passed away over a year ago.  I find the words of those who have suffered here on this earth and finished their races well—comfort me during my own suffering.   So here is the link to this blog:  https://unshakablehope.com/2013/07/29/one-day-at-a-time-2/          I hope it helps you as it did me.

May you be encouraged!!

Suffering

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou9 Comments

I love hearing others’ “God Stories”.  I love hearing how God has worked in the lives of other people.  I get a bigger picture of who God is, and how He works, and I get a picture of faith.

I think that is why I love to read stories of faith in scripture—where people have taken God at His Word and stepped out in faith to do what He has told them to do:  Noah building the ark, Moses parting the Red Sea, Joseph and Mary taking Jesus to Egypt to prevent Him from being killed by Herod’s soldiers.

The problem I have, is that I can tend to put God in a box.  “If I do this…. God will do this.”  I can start to put my relationship with God in a “formula”. 

Before my son Sean died, I thought I had the “secret” formula for life.  If I did a, b, c—God would do x, y and z. 

I am here to tell you, there is no secret formula for life.  Isn’t that what Job found out? He lost his children, his wealth, his health, he lost everything.  God never really answers Job’s questions about why? 

Job could have said, “But God, I thought we had a deal.  I obey You.  I worship You.  I follow all Your rules.  You bless me.  You protect me.  You protect my family. You provide for us.”

If I’m honest, this is the scary thing about having a relationship with God.   I want God to do what I want Him to do.  I want Him to act, the way I expect Him to act. He does promise us that He will provide for us.  He does promise us that He will protect us.  He does promise us that if we have enough faith, we can move mountains.  So, I’m left with the belief that maybe if God doesn’t come through—the way I expect Him to– maybe it’s my fault.  Maybe, I’ve sinned, maybe, I’ve done something wrong.

That is what Job’s friends told Job—”It’s not God’s fault that all these bad things have happened to you, it’s your fault, you’ve sinned.”

Yet, that wasn’t the right answer in Job’s situation either.

After Sean died, there were others who thought that if we had, had enough faith, Sean would have lived.  Or there were others who thought that maybe we had “sinned” in some way, and God was punishing us.

When Sean died, I was faced with the question: Did I really love God, because I knew Him, and I loved Him for Who He Was, or did I just love His blessings?

If I’m honest, I loved God’s blessings, and I obeyed and trusted God, because I hoped that I would win His blessings.

When God took one of His blessings away from me, I questioned His existence, His power, His love.

I used to look at verses like Romans 8:18: “For I consider the sufferings of this present time, not worthy to be compared to the glory that is to be revealed” and think—what—suffering????—I don’t want to suffer!!!!!

Honestly—who really wants to suffer?  No one that I know does.  In fact, I have tried to escape from suffering most of my life. 

When I would hear others’ God’s stories—in some way, they involved suffering—but they also involved God showing up and revealing Himself in the midst of the suffering—and that is what I liked—I liked the glory that was revealed. God is the glory that was revealed.

That is what happens with suffering—it reveals God to us in a way, we had not “seen” Him before.   Suffering helps us get a bigger picture of God; it gets God out of the boxes we put Him in.

I still hate to suffer.  I still want to escape from suffering. I still would not choose to go through the sufferings I have endured.  I still would not choose to have lost my son.

However, my son is not, “Lost” to me.  I know where he is because I know Who he is with.  I know the Lord that Sean is with, in a way, I would not have-unless I had suffered. 

I think Job’s sufferings brought about a revelation of God in his life that he would not have had unless he had suffered.

And yes—I now agree with Romans 8:18: “For I now consider the sufferings of this present time not worthy to be compared to the glory that is to be revealed.”

So how do I put my life in the hands of this God, how do I trust this God—who could choose to take away any blessing from me at any time?  I do so, because this God loved me and emptied Himself of His divine qualities, took on flesh, came to earth and died for me.

This God gave up His life for me, to rescue me from eternal suffering and bring me into His Kingdom and make me an heir to His Kingdom.  This God put His Spirit in my life, and made me a new creature, worthy of His Kingdom.  This God promises to never leave me, never forsake me, to always be with me.

This song–I will Praise You In This Storm– was sung at Sean’s funeral. It still has the power to comfort me. My husband and I held hands and lifted them, when this song was sung at Sean’s funeral.

Therefore, I can join the disciples mentioned in Acts 5:14, who rejoiced that they were considered worthy to suffer for this God’s Name—so that others might know this God as well. These are hard truths, filled with immense freedom to live for Jesus, love Jesus and let go of all that would hinder us in this race we are in.  May we be encouraged!!