There are times in my life when I’ve experienced huge miracles, but my response to those miracles has been a trifle lukewarm. For instance–whenever I’ve been pregnant–I’ve been aware that a tremendous miracle was taking place inside of me. A child was literally being formed and grown inside of me. (I used to love to read those books that showed what was happening month by month–and then there was the ultrasound–where my husband and I could actually see our little one moving inside me.)
However, I usually had terrible morning sickness, (that lasted all day long), and sometimes I thought I was so sick, I could actually die. (Yes–I might be a trifle melodramatic). I did not “feel” like a miracle was happening inside of me—I felt miserable.
This past month, I have been aware of another miracle happening. God is healing my body. I am doing all the things the doctors are telling us to do, but they are amazed with how fast my body is healing. One of my doctors even did a little shout, and hand fist, when looking at my progress.
However, I have been battling the same kind of malaise as I did when I was pregnant. I haven’t been able to “do” much.
That is difficult. I often confuse my value and significance with what I do, instead of who I am. I often confuse who I am with how I feel. If I “feel” sick, or tired or discouraged—I also feel out of touch with the Lord. It is hard to focus on Him. It is difficult to connect with Him.
Even though He is connecting with me, even though He is doing a miracle within me.
Every time I go through one of these times, where I am sick, or incapacitated — I struggle with my value, and my worth. I struggle with malaise—not quite depression–but the same kind of sinking that depression brings. (After I had my third son, I struggled with depression–so this malaise wasn’t/isn’t that.)
So what do I do? Honestly, I don’t have a lot of energy to remind myself of God’s truths–of how He says I am valuable, and significant in Him. Or of how He says I am loved and I belong in Him. Yet, God uses these times to remind me, : It’s not what I can “do” for Him but what He has done for me–that brings me all of the afore mentioned blessings.”
Sometimes I think, when I go through these down times, when I am so very weak–this is when I most experience the strength of God. This is when I see how much He carries me step by step. He stays with me, moment by moment, He has not and will never leave me. He holds all of His children, and will never leave any of us.
God continues to work His miracles—for He is and ever will be a wondrous, faithful and loving Father.
May We Be Encouraged!!