Today, I reread an old journal of mine. I found this journal that I kept right after my son Sean died. In it, I share memories of Sean, and I pour out my grief and sorrow. However, as I read it–I was struck by a quote I wrote down from the movie, “The Return of the King, (Lord of the Rings). , “How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand… there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.” (Frodo Baggins). “
At the end of the movie, Frodo says to Sam, “You cannot always be torn in two. You will have to be one and whole for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be and to do. Your part in the story will go on.
It struck me because just recently I wrote in my journal:
Father, I have been saying, , “You are worthy of loving, You are worthy of serving, You are worthy of obeying, You are worthy of trusting, you are worthy of praising even when my world and circumstances are horrid.” For one thing–You will always be worthy regardless of my life and circumstances. For another thing–there are wonderful moments as well as the horrid ones.
There is my sweet 6 month old grandbaby giving us her mostly toothless grins, and the sweetness and vibrancy of our one year old granddaughter, the charm and laughter of our two year old granddaughter, and exuberance and tenderness of our six year old grandson, the thoughtfulness and compassion of our 8 year old granddaughter.
There are the conversations with my dramatic and daring daughters–where they show me who they are, and I hear about the moments of their lives. There are the conversations with my usually silent sons, where they let me into their worlds and their hearts.
There are many sweet, loving moments with my servant-hearted husband, and our long conversations with each other.
There are many, many acts of love from my family. There is such sweetness in the times we get to talk and the times we have with one another.
After Sean died–I wanted to die too. But, I knew I still had a job to do here on this earth. I knew that though I did not know how I was going to pick up the pieces of my life–that my part in the story must go on for many years. And lo, and behold, I have found that in spite of all the pain, in spite of all the continued pain–that time does not heal—I have gone on. I have enjoyed life. I have enjoyed the many, many gifts of life. I have come to the conclusion over and over again that—”There’s some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.” (a quote from Sam to Frodo–as they fight to save the world from the forces of evil.)
“There’s some good in this world, and it is worth fighting for.” God is the One who gives us all that is good in this world–and He is worth living for, He is worth dying for, He is worth everything!! When darkness threatens to fall over our entire world–let us remember–that:
“There is some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it is worth fighting for.”
Disappointed with God? This is the title of a book that we were given to read after Sean died. Philip Yancey wrote this book. It seems like a sign of arrogance to be “disappointed” with God. I mean God is God–who are we as finite humans with limited understanding to be disappointed–or angry with Him?
Yet, I must admit–I have come through a time of being disappointed, and angry with God. I didn’t want to be disappointed. I didn’t want to be angry. But I was. Why? So many reasons, but the main reason–the reason behind all the other reasons–is because I was struggling to trust God. He had disappointed me. He had not met my expectations. My feelings were hurt.
Did He care? Did He still love? Did He still have power? Why hadn’t He acted yet? I have been waiting so long? At least for a human who has a 70-90 year life span it feels like forever however–not such a long time for God–who is an Eternal Being.
I am reminded of my children when they are waiting for something they desire—I know that they will receive it soon–in a matter of hours or days or months–depending on what they are waiting for–whether it be a treat or an outing or a long desired present—but they do not know they will receive it. They must trust in my word and if I have not given my word–they must trust in my character and in my love for them–that I desire the best for them and of them. Many times the waiting process does them in–and the temper tantrums set in.
I have been struggling with my own waiting process, and while I haven’t been having temper tantrums–(Ok–maybe I have. 🙂 )I have been honest with God. I have told Him of my feelings of anger. I have told HIm of my feelings of disappointment. (Let’s be honest–He knows I am feeling these feelings anyway.)
Yet, I have also admitted that I didn’t want these feelings–I wanted to trust Him. I wanted to love Him, I wanted to believe the best of Him.
What does that mean to believe the best of God? It means believing that He does what He does—with all wisdom, all knowledge, all love, all power.
It also means accepting that there is evil in this world. Evil is the opposite of God, but not equal in power to God–not even close.
However, evil does intend to steal, kill and destroy—our faith and hope and love–in God and in each other.
I’d say evil has been doing a bang up job of doing that.
So what do I do when I am disappointed with God?
I admit it. I am honest about my feelings. Yet–I am also honest about my wants. I want to believe and trust in God, and I ask Him for the faith to believe Him, to trust Him. I am like the man who cried to Jesus, “Help me with my unbelief!”
Yesterday, I was struggling, praying that prayer–for help, for faith!. Today, I woke up, and I found myself—believing in the goodness of God and the infiniteness of His Love. Today, I am experiencing God’s presence, and my soul is rejoicing.
How long will this last? I don’t know—I’m sure something else will happen that will cause me to doubt God’s goodness and God’s love. I will have another choice to make about being honest with God about my feelings, and asking for His help.
Scripture is full of conversations between human beings and God–where they were honest about their feelings–and they dialogued with God. Abraham had those conversations, as did many of the prophets–Elijah, and Jonah to name a few. What strikes me about those conversations, is that God listened, and God was tender with them.
I hope my honesty about my struggles will help you—-If you are struggling, and in the land of disappointment. I hope your journey in that land will be short, but you will learn what I have learned from my own journey—that even though I did not, “feel” God, He was with me during every step of the journey. And even though evil is trying to kill, steal and destroy us, “If God is for us, who is against us?” Romans 8:31b In other words–it doesn’t matter if evil is against us–because the overwhelmingly loving and powerful God is for us–and He will never leave us or forsake us, and nothing will separate us from His love, not even death.
One of the hardest things about living on this earth is seeing the ones I love in pain, and suffering.
I want to fix it and make it all better for them.
When my children were young, it seemed that I could “fix” things for them. I could, “kiss” the boo-boo, I could nurse them back to health, I could plan an excursion for them, to cheer them up.
Not only can I not “fix” things for others, but I also cannot “fix” things for myself.
The following song has been speaking greatly to me these days, and I thought I would share the lyrics with you all. These are the words that are really resonating with me: There’s freedom in surrender. Lay it down and let it go.
I love that contrast of words—freedom and surrender. I want freedom—freedom from the trials and tribulations of life—from the problems of life—-I think most people want freedom. However, the path to freedom is surrender. It involves surrendering myself to God—I’m fine with giving Him, my problems—and surrendering those to Him—I’m not so good with surrendering myself to Him. That is a spiritual battle—and involves fighting several lies.
These are the two biggest lies I fight: God doesn’t really love me—-(I look at all the bad things that have happened in my life to confirm this lie.) Therefore—I can’t really trust Him with my life.
The lyrics-–If your eyes are on the storm, you’ll wonder if I love you still, but if your eyes are on the cross, you’ll know I always have and I always will—–mean so much to me—because they help me to focus on the proof of God’s love for me.
God is perfectly just, and perfectly loving—all these things are found in the cross of Jesus.
He satisfied His justice– by Jesus dying to pay the penalty for each of our sins. He satisfied the love He has for us—by Jesus dying to pay the penalty for each of our sins.
When I start doubting God’s love for me, because of the storms of my life—I can fight those doubts by remembering the cross—God’s proof of His love for me.
So, enjoy this song—and be encouraged—for God loves us—He always has, and He always will!!
Just Be Held
Lyrics: Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest In the arms of the God who won’t let go.
I have been thinking a great deal about sin. For instance, recently a well-know Christian leader was found to have been participating in sexual sin with several women. The world is appalled and disgusted, fingers are being wagged and pointed. “Hypocrite, hypocrite!!” is shouted from the rooftops.
I remember when I was a young woman, I heard of a Christian leader involved in sexual sin. I was appalled and disgusted. “How can this be?” I thought. “How can people who claim to know God, and claim to be surrendered to Him, do such things.”
My heart was broken for this situation. My heart was broken for God.
With time and experience, I saw this repeated over and over again. Women having affairs, and leaving their husbands—breaking hearts, breaking families, breaking children. Men having affairs, leaving their wives, breaking hearts, breaking families, breaking children.
That’s the thing about sin. It hurts others. It destroys. It mars the image of God in our lives.
Make no mistake—we are involved in an invisible spiritual battle. The devil is a prowling lion seeking whom he may devour. A lion takes down those at the fringe of the herd. He takes the hurt, the vulnerable, the unprotected.
Satan wants to take us down. He wants to use us to take down each other. How does he do this?
He uses our fear– our fear of pain, our fear of consequences, our fear of God, and our fear of each other. He will lie to us and twist the truth.
We need to care more about God and what He thinks of us, than what we think of each other and the consequences our sin may carry. Why is this important? Because we hide our sin from God, and from each other.
We need to bring our sin out into the light and receive God’s forgiveness and healing and power. We usually don’t bring that sin out into the light, and confess it to Him or to each other, because we don’t want to be judged and rejected.
God is not rejecting us. He wants to heal us. Many people who participate in 12 step programs receive healing when they go to the people they have sinned against, and admit their sin, and ask for forgiveness. Some people may not forgive them, and they face that possibility– but in the process, they learn to receive God’s forgiveness and they learn to forgive themselves. They overcome the temptation to sin again, as they see the evidence with their own eyes, of how their sin has hurt others—they see the devastation their sin has wrought.
2 Tim 2:22 tells us what to do when we are faced with temptations: “So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, alongwith those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”
PURSUE righteousness, faith, love and peace. Pursue God, get to know Him, spend time in His Word. Pray—talk with Him, every day, every moment!! We need to care more about what God thinks of us than what others think. People will never be able to fill the empty, infinite void in my heart, or in your heart. Only an infinite being can do that—only our Father God can do that.
Do this ALONG WITH others who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Join a bible study—I’m part of an on-line women’s bible study right now. Go to a church where God’s Word is honored and preached, and where love and grace are demonstrated. (It is much harder for Satan to take us down, when we run with the Herd.) People who have been able to finish their races well– here on earth —had accountability and support from trusted, Godly people. I think of Billy Graham, who traveled with the same, Godly men for the duration of his ministry and there was never a hint of sexual sin to taint his ministry or his legacy.
I do want to say—that my husband and I have done some simple things to guard ourselves from sexual sin. We share email addresses, and social media pages. We do not have correspondence with anyone that the other is not privy to that correspondence. If I wanted to look at his phone, I could, and he could look at my phone at any time.
We also, don’t have friends of the opposite sex. We have couple friends, where we spend time as a couple with those friends. The purpose of this is not to form emotional attachments with the opposite sex, apart from the attachments we have as a couple with those persons. (We do have friends of the same sex—I have women friends, and my husband has men friends.)
These are suggestions that may not work with everyone’s situation. The point of these suggestions is accountability and transparency.
One thing I have become more aware of—is the magnitude of what Jesus did on the cross for us. Jesus literally took on all the sins of the world, and those sins were crucified. Ugh!! Think about this. I have heard that Jesus died for my sins, since infancy. I have heard Jesus died for the sins of the world, ever since I can remember. So, I don’t always think about what that means.
Jesus died for the men and women cheating on their spouses and breaking up their families. Jesus died for the people abusing others sexually. Jesus died for all the abusers—those beating others, those stealing others and selling them into slavery, those verbally assaulting others, those murdering others. Jesus died for those addicted to drugs and alcohol, and possibly abusing others in the process. Jesus died for the thieves, the greedy, the manipulative, the liars, the selfish and the self-centered, the power hungry, the control-freaks, the sexual deviants, the war-mongers, the haters, the rapists, the racists, the (whatever your hot button issue is–the people you don’t think deserve to live)—Jesus died for them. Jesus died for you. Jesus died for me.
The question is: do we want to be freed? And do we want to stay free? We need to be aware: Satan will try to ruin our lives and make us believe that sin still has power over us when in reality– sin has been crucified with Christ. So, remember—
FLEE Temptation……PURSUE Righteousness……ALONG WITH Others who are doing the same thing!!
Well… my birthday has come and gone—and newsflash—I actually had a lovely day!! I am not sure why after years of having terrible melancholy on my birthday, this year, it was a sweet and enjoyable day. As I explained in the blog, titled, “The Beat goes on.”, since I can remember, I have felt terribly sad on my birthday, and I don’t know why. In fact, I just expect to feel badly—but this year although I expected to feel badly– I did not!!!, and I can only attribute this to the fact that I let you’all know I was feeling sad, and you’all prayed for me; you fought this spiritual battle with me, and for this, I am grateful, so, very, very grateful, and so is my family.
I must say, that you prayed for me before—when I wasn’t sleeping, and I shared that with you’all in my blog, “The Gift of Sleep, has been taken away.” and then in my blog, ” I am sleeping again, Thank you God!!,” I was able to tell you’all that I was indeed sleeping again— because you were praying for me.!!
Wow—who knew that this would be the benefit of writing this blog to me!! I thought I was just stepping out in faith and being obedient to what God was telling me to do—but God knew that He would also be using this blog in my life—to help me in fighting spiritual battles.
I hope you will share on my blog areas you need prayer, as I think this could be one of the most encouraging and transforming elements of this blog—all of us praying for each other.
I ask you to pray for my family and myself as we come up to one of the most difficult seasons of the year for us. We lost our beloved son, (and for my children—their brother), seven years ago this coming September 17th. Sean was hit by a vehicle while riding his bike on September 16th, and declared dead on the 17th.
This is a season with great pain and suffering, not just for me and my family, but for our entire nation–for many, many reasons. I am praying that our circumstances draw us to the Lover of our souls and that we find what we have all been thirsting and hungering after in Him. May we love one another as we are filled with His love. May our country be changed because of that love.
I found this video that gives examples of the transforming power of God. I found it to be so, so encouraging, and hope it encourages you as well.
My Dad has been in heaven for 10 years – 11 this coming October. On Father’s Day, I was thinking about my Dad’s life and how his story might speak into the current crisis we are experiencing in this country.
My Dad was a State Trooper. He was a policeman. I believe his early life shaped his desire to become a policeman.
My Dad’s parents divorced when my Dad was 10. His parents remarried other people, and his stepfather was an abusive alcoholic. My Dad saw his mother beaten up, and he and his three brothers tried to intervene and stop it from happening, only to be beaten up themselves. When they got strong enough, big enough and old enough, they were able to protect their mom and themselves.
My Dad grew up with a great desire to protect and serve others. He found that desire satisfied in being a policeman.
Yet, in that desire—he had compassion for the people he arrested. He would tell me that many of them would start telling him their stories as they sat in the back of his cruiser—stories of their own abuse from others and from their own hands—of all the ways their lives had led them to this point in time. My Dad would listen, and he would encourage them, telling them that they could make different choices– they could get help–they did not have to be the people they currently were– God would help them.
My Dad had a best friend and partner who would eventually leave the State Police and become a Pastor and an Evangelical Speaker, as the calling to speak hope and forgiveness and grace into others’ lives became a fulltime calling.
So– what is my point—policemen and policewomen are somebody’s dad or mom, somebody’s husband or wife, somebody’s brother or sister, somebody’s somebody. Police officers, like all people, are created in the image of God, and they are loved by God.
Scripture tells us that our battle is not against flesh and blood, but it is a spiritual battle.
In order to properly fight this spiritual battle, we need to use spiritual means. We don’t fight hatred and evil, by using hatred and evil. We rely on God and His wisdom and His resources.
God is all about love, forgiveness, saving and redeeming. If we listen to His words, we become His ambassadors here on this earth, spreading His love and His forgiveness.
God wants us to be aware of what the source of the evil is, and to not give into the hatred. Hatred destroys. There is a movement now, to correct some of the injustices and evil that is being seen in how some police handle race relations, and handle enforcing the law.
Martin Luther King headed a movement based on non-violence. That movement brought about great change in this country. This movement was based on believing God’s Word—that we must love even our enemies.
I would like to close with a video by an interracial couple, I know personally. Dirk and Lorna Johnston were on staff with Cru at Michigan State University when I was a college student. I went to their wedding. They talk about experiencing racism and how God lead them to deal with it—resulting in the transforming power of God’s love.
Today, I was out working in my garden. I remember when I first started gardening, I did not know what a plant was and what was a weed. I did not know what to pull up and what to leave. So, some plants I let grow and found out later, they were weeds. I hardly ever pulled out a true plant, as I was so concerned about doing that, I left it if I had any doubt.
When I was vegetable gardening, I was struck by how often the weed, mimicked the look of the plant—the difference was, the weed did not bear any “fruit” or vegetable, as the case may be.
I think the “fruit” of the Holy Spirit growing in our lives, and the sin growing in our lives, can also look similar at first.
At first, it may be difficult to tell the two apart. Pride and obsession, a sin in our lives, can look a lot like, self-control, which is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. How can you tell them apart? I think it is by how we treat people in the process of life. If we are hateful, impatient, mean and/or yelling, as we do the things that need to be done—we are probably being motivated out of pride, and obsession. We can even appear to be loving on the outside, but on the inside, we are filled with angst.
If we are kind and loving to others, on the inside and the outside, as we carry out the duties of the day—then we are being motivated by the Holy Spirit, who also produces patience, love and kindness in our lives.
In these days of quarantine—when we are around the same people every day, and nerves are frayed, people haven’t been sleeping, anxiety about the future is growing, we need to rely on the Holy Spirit to grow the fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. (Click here to read about how to be filled, (controlled and empowered) by the Holy Spirit.)
I am seeing a great deal of frustration on social media. I get it—people are scared, and they are scared about different things.
We all think that we are right and feel justified in our feelings of disdain towards those who disagree, but Hatred is a weed. It is the opposite of love. And it needs to be pulled out. It is an obvious weed that everyone can recognize. It is the weed, that infected the nation of Germany and many other nations before World War II and spread and spread and spread, until the entire world was engulfed in a war.
There is no justification in God’s eyes for this hatred people have towards other people. This is what led to 6 million Jews being killed in concentration camps. This is what led to mass slaughters of people in Russia and China and so, so many places around the world. The people that took power, thought they were justified in killing anyone they considered a threat. They thought they were justified in their hatred of that person or persons who had another point of view– as if disagreement meant that the other person/persons was somehow subhuman. This was the thinking of the Nazis. This is the work of Satan. This is evil. We must recognize this hatred for what it is, and we must not allow it to live in our hearts and lives.
We may not all agree with each other, yet we can all be kind to each other. We can love one another, as we rely on the Holy Spirit of God. God has not changed—He is still telling us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. As we turn our lives over to Him—the Master Gardener—He will grow that love in our lives. We can trust Him. We are His Garden!! He is committed to growing beautiful “fruit” in our lives and pulling out the weeds, and He never has to guess which is the plant and which is the weed. Someday His will – which is everything that is good, acceptable and perfect—and abounding in love—will be done on earth as it is in Heaven!!
Drama, suspense, problems —these are elements of a good story. Right now, it feels like we are living in the middle of a story line in a book or movie. Everyday we are wondering, what is going to happen, how is this story going to end?
Perhaps, we don’t need to wonder, anymore. Perhaps, we have already been given the answers.
The Bible is God’s letter to us. It has the story of redemption in it; it has prophesies fulfilled in it, and prophesies yet to be fulfilled; it is filled with poetry and prose. It is filled with the message of God’s longing for us, and His willingness to gain our souls by going to the cross and dying for us.
This is the message of Easter. Jesus’ death and resurrection. Easter is the event in history that celebrates the worst and the best thing that ever happened. The worst—Jesus was crucified on a cross. Jesus, about whom it is written, that “the Word was God, and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.” John 1
Then, the best thing—Jesus rose from the dead. He conquered death. He showed us by conquering death, that we would also conquer death. This is what we celebrate on Easter and we celebrate it every day. Death no longer has victory over us. We will live with God forever. “The witness is this that God has given us eternal life, and that life is in His Son.” 1 John 5: 11
All of human history culminates in experiencing the victory over death that Jesus’ death has brought us.
But until, human history ends, and a new heaven and earth are given, we are in the midst of a war, a war for the souls of man. We are in the midst of a huge spiritual battle. “Our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the forces of darkness in the heavenly realms.” Ephesians 6:12
Perhaps, you have been touched by this battle. You may have been hurt by humans who listened to the forces of darkness, and now it is difficult to trust God, the lover of your soul, the one who died to demonstrate that love for you.
We are in the midst of a worldwide crisis, that, I believe has been orchestrated by the forces of darkness, to frighten and separate and extinguish us. It is difficult to see God’s light and love and truth. It is difficult to trust that light, that love, that truth.
God knew these times would be coming, so He gave us His Word. These are the verses I am clinging to now, during this time:
“Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.
Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.
We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.
And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.
And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners.
Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good.
But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” Romans 5:1-8
If you are longing to know God, but have really big questions, like “Is God Real?” “Is Jesus God?” “What about suffering?” I have included a link for you to go to, that may help you with those questions: https://www.cru.org/us/en/how-to-know-god/lifes-questions.html
If you would like to watch a video on the life of Jesus, you can go to this link: (there are options for other languages to watch film in at the bottom of the page.) :https://www.jesusfilm.org/watch/jesus.html/english.html
Our household is praying for your household to have a wonderful Easter in spite of this crisis!
Encouragement for you!! 