Category: grief

Yes, Jesus loves you!

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou4 Comments

I’d like to tell you about the times I’ve experienced Jesus’ presence.  These were times when I was scared and felt alone or bereft by grief. 

The first time I am truly aware of experiencing Jesus’ presence in a very extraordinary way was when I was 27.  I was single and on staff with Cru.  I was on a break before heading back to my assignment and staying at my parents.  I had gone to see my eye doctor.  He looked into my eyes, called an eye surgeon, and within the hour, I was being seen by an eye surgeon.

I knew there was something wrong with my eye, but I didn’t know what.  The eye surgeon, looked into my eyes, told me I had a detached retina, swore, then walked out of the room.  I was alone in the room, and so scared.  I didn’t know what would happen next.  Suddenly, I felt Jesus’ presence by my side.  I didn’t see Jesus, but He was there.  I was flooded by peace and strength.  Jesus said, “You’re going to be all right.  Your eye will be all right.”  I didn’t hear this in an audible voice, but it was so clear, I might as well have heard it that way.

Then the eye surgeon came back and told me that he was sending me to another eye surgeon.  He told me I would probably lose sight in my eye, maybe both eyes.   However, since experiencing Jesus presence, I was no longer afraid; I was calm and reassured.

I went down to the Detroit area, and had eye surgery done by a kind doctor.  He was encouraging and told me we were going to get the eye taken care of right away.   He did an amazing job, and I have almost 20/30 vision restored in that eye. 

 Every year when I go to my current eye doctor, he makes a comment about how astounding it is that I can see as well as I can out of that eye.   Jesus has healed blind people many times, and I think Jesus prevented me from going blind.  He bestowed his grace and mercy upon me.

 I have also experienced Jesus’ presence, when I’ve gone through labor and delivery.  Every single time, I have been apprehensive, (as most moms will tell you—each time is different, so you kind of know what to expect, but at the same time you don’t.) But the first time, the first time, I was terrified.  I don’t know why childbirth preparation classes show videos of other women giving birth, screaming at their husbands, in utter agony.   These videos do not help the fear factor of birth.  They just make it worse.  I kept praying over and over again, “God if you can make labor better for me than those women, I saw give birth, I would really appreciate it.”

Of course, I was not alone.  My husband was with me, and my sister, who is a labor and delivery nurse, was with me.  What comfort I drew from them!  My sister had already had 3 of her children and was 6 and 1/2 months pregnant with her fourth when she came to help me.

  I think my sister’s presence was equally helpful to both my husband and I.  She had been through this herself and as a nurse, and we drew on her experience and knowledge.  However, there was a point where my courage was flagging and at that exact point, I experienced Jesus presence once again.   I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through labor and delivery as calmly as I did, without Jesus giving me His strength.

When I was in labor with Sean, (my third child), I experienced Jesus’ presence again.  It was a particularly grueling and painful labor.  I wanted to scream and yell and give up, and Jesus showed up.  He got me through.  He gave me courage when I had none left.

  In the past 6 ½ years since Sean has been gone, I have experienced Jesus’ presence so many, many times.  Usually it is when I am in the depths of grief and I think I can’t bear any more pain, that I experience Jesus by my side.  Often, He will comfort me with words of love and reminders that He is with me. Often, He is silent and listens to my grief.  He brings me His strength. 

For a long while, when our family would go to church, every worship service, we would be standing in the back row of church, crying during the service.  During those times, I would experience Jesus standing with us, throwing His mantle over us.  

It’s funny—something that hardly ever happened—experiencing Jesus’ Presence– is something that occurs rather regularly now.  Scripture is true, “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted.”

I hope when you are at your lowest points and you’re scared and alone, that you experience Jesus’ presence and intervention in your life—that you experience God’s grace and mercy and His miraculous blessings of life.   If you do, you will find what I have, God shows up for us — because He is such a great God and His grace and mercy are limitless; His love is unconditional.  Jesus cares for us. “The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and He saves those who are crushed in spirit.”  Psalm 34:18

I know when someone shares their God stories with me, I can be tempted to compare myself to them and come out on the losing side of the comparison. I did not share these stories for that reason. I know Jesus did not show up for me, because I’m all that great. Jesus showed up because He is love. He is love to me and He is love to you. He simply loves us. If sharing my story, can help anyone know in a more tangible way–“Yes, Jesus loves me”–then I’m happy to share my story. I’m happy to encourage us to know that Jesus is real, and Jesus does love us. 🙂 So Be Encouraged. 🙂

The Silent Scream

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou5 Comments

The Silent Scream

There are times in my life where I just want to scream.  I want to pick something up and throw it against the wall.  It happens unexpectedly—and it is usually related to pain.  The pain of grief.

And….the anger of grief.

I can be going about my day, doing some menial task–like sorting socks–and I will come across one of Sean’s old socks.  The loss of Sean hits me.  It just hits me out of nowhere.  This blinding pain.  And then comes this rage.  And I want to throw something. 

Inside my head, I scream.  I call it the silent scream.

Sometimes, I come across a photo that I don’t usually see of Sean, (we have photos all around the house of Sean, and I’m used to seeing them–they don’t surprise me or hurt me anymore), but sometimes, I’ll unexpectedly see a photo of him—and it is like a hit in the stomach, and inside my head, I silently scream.

It’s funny—I’ve heard about the five stages of grief, as though once you’re through a stage, you are done with it.  That hasn’t been my experience.  Grief still has the power to knock me down.  Grief still has the power to elicit anger inside of me.  A pure instinctive reaction—-that says, “no, this can’t be my reality.  This beloved son of mine, can’t be gone.”  And when I have to acknowledge once again that he is gone, I just want to wail and scream.

Why am I writing this?  Well, I suppose because I want other people who are in pain, to know they aren’t alone.

After Sean died, I would try to find blogs or pieces written by others who had lost a child.  It helped me to have someone to identify with.  However, after awhile, the ones I read–they didn’t talk about the pain anymore.  Perhaps they thought they needed to put on a brave face and go on.  

However, the people who didn’t deny the pain, who would refer to it—those were the people I appreciated.  They are the ones who helped me the most.

I think our society is uncomfortable with pain.  I think we are uncomfortable with suffering.  I think we like to deny its existence and pretend it is not there.  It is too big for us.  It is too hopeless for us.

It is NOT too big for God.  It is NOT too hopeless for God.   This is what I have found—over, and over and over again.   God is with me in the pain.  God is with me in the suffering.  

Here’s what I wish for each of you reading this—that in your pain and in your suffering—that you would experience the reality that God is with you as well.  And I pray that in that reality–we would experience God in a way we never would have otherwise.  

May We Be Encouraged!!

My Ode To Michelle Beckman

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou12 Comments

Six years ago, a dear friend of mine died and I wrote a piece in her honor, called, “ My Ode To Michelle Beckman.”  I would like to share that piece with you, but before I do, I want to tell you that I learned something about suffering from Michelle.  I learned that many times– people who are suffering, can enter into others’ suffering and help them.  When our son died, I allowed Michelle to enter into my suffering, because she had cancer, and she was suffering herself.  I knew she understood suffering.

I have also found that because of my suffering, others would share their stories of suffering with me.  They trusted me, they took off their masks and let me see their suffering.

Scripture talks about that if one of us in the body is hurting, others in the body share in that suffering, (I Cor. 12:26).  Honestly, before the death of my son, I have tried to avoid suffering, and so avoided sharing in the suffering of others.

The times where God has allowed me to join in another’s suffering, have been times where I was most aware of God’s presence, love and strength.  I know that these are actually great gifts from God, and have revealed the Lord more fully in my eyes.  Michelle was one of the people God used to teach me these things.  So without further ado: 

My Ode to Michelle Beckman

August 11, 2016

Dear Family & Friends,

     My friend Michelle Beckman stepped into eternity yesterday.  She walked past that line that has many of us wondering what she found.  I’ve read the posts on her wall, each one was a testimony to her love for God and love for others.  They were each an encouragement to me, as I face the future without her friendship.   

      I met Michelle in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.  She was finishing up her degree in teaching at Marquette University.  She became a christian her freshman year in college when another college student named Mary Kay shared with her how she could have a relationship with God.   Michelle never got over the wonder that the Creator of the Universe wanted  her so much that He left all the glory of heaven, took on the limits of human flesh, suffered and died for her.   Her God was an intensely personal, loving, consuming God.  

      Michelle got involved with Cru, and was discipled by Margaret Yu for two years.  When Margaret left Milwaukee, I came as the Cru staff woman, and I met Michelle.

      Michelle and I had one semester  together before she left to do her student teaching.  Honestly, when we reconnected 3 years ago, I had very vague memories of her.  I knew that I knew her—but I didn’t remember many of the details.

      She told me that I had a sleepover party where we stayed up all night talking, and she told me the story of her relationship with her Dad.  I looked at her and asked, “Have you forgiven him?”  She said this question sent her on a 10 year journey of asking herself that same question?  (I am now a parent of adult children—and believe me when I say—one could be the very best parent one could be, and there would be a need for a child to forgive a parent, just as there is a need for a parent to forgive a child.)

       When we reconnected, Michelle told me about her cancer.  I had lost a very good friend to cancer before this—my best friend in fact—and it was agony for me.  My heart was broken, my grief overwhelming.  I had also lost my dad.  I knew what it was to grieve—and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to get all that close to Michelle.  She would be hard to resist..  She asked great questions, she listened, she cared, she laughed, she had depth and spiritual discernment.  What more could you ask for from a friend?

       Two weeks after we reconnected, my son Sean was killed when he was out on a training bike ride.  He was hit by a car.

       Michelle ran to help me.  She entered into my suffering.  I don’t know how else to describe what she did.  She sent me a book that she heard about on a radio show.  She said the Holy Spirit told her to send me this book.  It was called, LAMENT FOR A SON,… It was a father’s journal that he wrote after losing his son in a mountain climbing accident.  One of the things that he said that resonated with me was, “If someone is worth loving than they are worth grieving.”

       She sent me a CD of worship songs.  We wrote back and forth to each other on a consistent basis.   

      She suffered with me.  I do not know how else to describe it.  She wasn’t afraid of suffering.  She did not avoid the pain.   

       This is quite amazing to me because I would have avoided the pain of her suffering, if not for my own.  And honestly, if she had not been suffering, I would not have let her enter into mine.  Other friends had tried to enter into my suffering, and share this pain, but my walls were high, my barriers strong.

       When scripture talks about sharing in Jesus’ suffering for the sake of His church, I think I finally know what that means.  I have experienced Michelle sharing in my suffering, and these last months of her life, I have been privileged to enter into her suffering.    

       One of Michelle’s greatest prayers, is that God’s people would be fully surrendered to our Lord.  I know that fear is what keeps me from surrendering.  Fear of pain, fear of suffering.   “When you face the thing you’ve always feared, you learn you have nothing to fear, for God is with you through it all.”  This is a direct quote of my friend, Becky Crain, when she found out she had stage 4 breast cancer when she was 5 months pregnant.  She entered into eternity when her baby was 4 months old.

    All my life I have tried to escape from pain and suffering.  God has used Michelle to show me how to face it, even embrace it.  Knowing her has helped me grieve for my son, and all the other losses in my life;  and oddly, it will even help me as I grieve for her.  Also, I have finally experienced the truth of what Becky was trying to tell me all those years ago.  “When you face the thing you’ve always feared, you learn you have nothing to fear, for God is with you through it all.”

May We Be Encouraged

Happy Birthday Sean James!!

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou12 Comments

 Our culture likes to ignore death and pretend it doesn’t happen.   People also act like the ones who have died, haven’t really existed.  They don’t say their names anymore.  They don’t tell their stories.  For those who were very, very close to the one who died–pretending they didn’t exist is not a possibility. 

June is the birthday month of our son Sean. As his parents, we can’t pretend that he did not exist.  Sean is still alive to us.  He is still real.  He is still celebrated and he is still grieved.

I write about Sean and the grief of losing him, and the joy of his life—to help others with their grief in losing their loved ones.  I also want us to know that the person(s) who passed on to eternity–can still be celebrated–their life was a gift to those who knew them and loved them.

Our family still celebrates Sean’s birthday.  We do this because Sean’s life was a gift to us from God.  When we celebrate, we are acknowledging to God that we recognize that He gave Sean to us, and we are grateful to Him.

This past week, my husband and I had lunch with a young man and his wife who are going into ministry.  This young man was friends with Sean.  He told me that he started getting more serious about his relationship with God in High School, and some of that seriousness came about because of Sean’s death.  This young man realized that life on earth is temporal, but there was another life after this one. 

When we celebrate Sean’s life—we are celebrating that there is another life after this one–that Sean is in this other life–and he is cheering us on in the race that we are all in–in this life–

Heb 12:1

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

Heb 12:2

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Sean is in that great cloud of witnesses, cheering us on.  

 Our loved ones who have run their races of faith here on this earth, are part of that great cloud of witnesses, cheering us on in our races.  

They have not forgotten us, and are rooting for us here on this earth.  In remembering our departed loved ones  and celebrating their lives, we find encouragement and strength to live for eternity, to fix our eyes on Jesus–and to run with endurance our own marathons of life.

If you have ever run in a marathon, you know how grueling they can be, and how there are many times during the race, one is tempted to give up.  Sometimes a cheer from the crowd, or another runner coming beside you to say, “You can do this, I’ll run this part with you to help you through”, is the encouragement needed to finish the race. My niece had this experience, she was ready to give up, when a 72 year old woman told her to run alongside of her and my niece said that is why she was able to finish her race. 

I write, to give voice to the ones cheering us on, and to encourage us all on our races–because even if you have not run a Marathon–you and I are in the Marathon of life!!

 Happy Birthday Sean!!  We celebrate your life!!

Thank you for cheering us on!!

We Are Encouraged!!

The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou13 Comments

Every year, our family puts up our Christmas Tree.  We get out the boxes of decorations–they are in red tubs with green lids, and each ornament is nestled in its original boxes—I am bragging about this area of my organization, as it is the only area I can brag about. 🙂  We make hot cocoa, have some cookies, and decorate our tree.

I love decorating the tree.  We usually buy an ornament to commemorate a vacation we took, or a special trip we took and so decorating the tree is a walk down memory lane.  We talk about the trip or remember the people who gave us the baby ornament, or any ornament we put up on our tree. 

After Sean died, this usually wonderful tradition of decorating the tree became a tradition that led to grief.  Every ornament became a memory with his memory attached.  “Remember, we got this ornament when we took the trip to Florida and we went to Disney World?”   Then I would remember how Sean wanted to go to Florida to Disney World so badly.  There were T.V. shows on the Travel Channel highlighting the Disney Parks, and he would watch them over and over again.

“Mom, can we go to the Disney Parks?”  “Well, Sean, you can pray about anything, so you can pray that we go to the Disney Parks.”   In my mind, I didn’t know how this would ever happen, it seemed unlikely to say the least, but when Julia, my daughter told me all she wanted In the whole world was a baby sister, (she was 5 at the time), I told her the same thing—”well Julia, you can pray about anything, so pray for God to give you a baby sister.”  I was thinking we could look into adoption.  Instead I found myself pregnant at the age of 45, giving birth to a baby girl at the age of 46. 

Sure enough, shortly after my son started praying to go to the Disney Parks, my sister-in-law called my husband and she wanted to plan a family trip with our families and their parents to go to the Disney Parks.  (Their parents had a time share that we used the points from to book timeshares in Orlando, and my sister-in-law knew the websites to get the best deals on the Disney tickets—and so we found ourselves down in Florida—in the Disney Parks!!)  We had a blast!!  Sean had a blast!!

 Looking at the ornaments–led to all those memories, which led to grief, but it also led to remembering the answered prayers as well. This helped us stand in the reality that God exists, and He loves us, He listens to us, He cares for us.    

It was very difficult to continue with this tradition of decorating the tree.  We celebrated our first Christmas without Sean a mere 3 months after we lost him.  We were still in a state of shock.  My husband and I thought we needed to continue with our traditions, that the children needed these things to bring the past into our present and our future.  Even though it felt like everything had changed, some things remained the same.   God’s love remained the same.  We have found that each year, there is more of a blessing in the remembering, than grief.  It has helped to bring Sean into our present and will help bring him into our future.

 Just writing this story, I am remembering Julia praying for a baby sister, and God answered!!  God does not always answer these types of prayers—as my nieces who were only daughters will attest—but He did for Julia.  Perhaps because He knew that Julia and all of us would need this baby in the days to come, (our baby was 6 years old when her brother died.) She would bring us God’s comfort and love in her hugs and kisses and declarations that, “Sean is in heaven, and we are going to heaven too, we will see him again.”

Christmas is celebrating that God left heaven and came down to earth in the form of a baby.  “Immanuel” means “God is with us.”   In John 1: 1,14, we find this concept of : The Word is God and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us.  

In Romans 8:31, it says, “If God is for us, who is against us?”  In other words–it doesn’t matter who is against us, because God is so big and great, we are covered by Him.

Romans 8: 38, 39 also says– nothing can separate us from His love.

I am here to bear witness to these truths.  God is With Us.  God is For Us.  Nothing—not death nor life, nor any created thing can separate us from His love.   Not losing a child, or the grief that this loss brings, or any other problem in the entire world can separate us from His love.

If you are having trouble believing this, I want you to think about how much you love your children, and you are a mere human being. If you and I can love with such passion as imperfect human beings, imagine how a perfect, infinite being who considers us His children—loves us.  It is not so hard to imagine when we think of it in those terms—is it?

However, God’s thoughts are greater than my thoughts, and His ways are greater than my ways.  Sometimes, (ok—many times), I question God and what He is doing in my life.  I questioned Him many times for taking my son.  I have come to the realization that God is not upset with my questions, but sometimes His only answer is to wait on Him, and trust Him, even if I don’t know the answers, I can trust Him, I can trust His love, I can trust that He is for my family, He is for me.

You can trust that God is for you, He is for your family.  You can trust in His love.  He is “Immanuel”—God is with us—He is with us in our joy, in our grief and in our lives!!  So Be encouraged!!

Grief

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou13 Comments

We are approaching the anniversary of my son’s passing.  My son Sean died 8 years ago.  His accident was on September 16th, and he was declared dead on September 17, 2013.

I want to talk about a difficult subject—the subject of coming along side someone in grief.

When Sean died, others sought to come along side of us and help us—and there was a great outpouring of service and love and help.

But there was also silence from those we “expected” help from.  My mom told me a story, that helped me understand.  You see, my mom’s sister lost 2 of her children and her husband within a 6-month space of time.  My mom said that at times she was so overwhelmed in her own grief that it was hard to help her sister in her grief.  She did help her sister—but it wasn’t easy.

This has helped me to understand that I and my husband and children weren’t the only ones who were grieving when Sean died.  Others needed grace in their grieving as well. They may have been grieving Sean or they may have been grieving something else going on in their own lives.

Also, I came to realize that no one—not my husband, not my other children, not my extended family, no friend—could ever meet my deepest needs—only God could do that.  

That is not to say that others do not have a role to play in helping others who are grieving.

Right now, there is a family who has lost their dad.  Another friend and I have been trying to organize others to help them.  This friend frequently tells me with great passion: “We are apart of the body of Christ, we are His hands and His feet, and God wants us to move and help others.”

She is absolutely right. 

My mom and my Aunt, (who lost her family members), came most frequently to help with–well everything. Other family members also came to help.

After Sean died, a neighbor down the street from us, a sister in Christ, organized meals for us for 2 months—and people from all the churches in my town signed up to bring us a meal.

People came right after Sean died and cleaned our house.

A couple friend, (in the Pastorate), meet with us for over a year, once a week, and provided grief counseling, and friendship.

My best friends took my children on excursions and spent time with me.

All amazing things.

I also experienced rejection, conflicts, loss of friendship, and silence from others.

In reading others’ blogs—the good, the bad and the ugly are all typical and normal things to experience to those who have lost a loved one.

Grief—suffering—these are difficult, difficult things.  Grace, kindness and gentleness with oneself and with others are needed during these times.  Mostly, and above all else—God’s sustaining spirit is what is needed and is available to each of us, for the asking.

One of the worst things for my spirit, was to hang onto bitterness and unforgiveness.  God has frequently pried my hands off these ugly things I was hanging onto and told me with grace and gentleness that He had something better for me to hang onto—Him!! 

In saying this—I do not want to minimize the hurt that is felt by the grieving party, over the lack of caring they may be experiencing.  I understand the hurt.  I too, have felt the hurt.

Rather, I want to give a way for the hurt party to understand that they are not alone—others have walked the same path and have found freedom from the hurt in forgiveness and in the presence of God.

If you are grieving right now, I am praying for you!!  I would appreciate your prayers for my family and myself.  Thank you!

God’s Faithfulness — Unshakable Hope

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou4 Comments

A month before Bill went to heaven, he sent me an email.  The top line read: “If I go home: Don’t think for a minute that God failed us!  You know how faithful God has been.”  He continued with a list of things that I needed to take care of (his book, his funeral, etc.), […]

God’s Faithfulness — Unshakable Hope

I read this blog tonight, and was so impressed with this woman’s story–what an encouragement to God’s faithfulness. I hope it encourages you as it has encouraged me.

Our Family Christmas Letter from 2010

Published on by katiesencouragementforyouLeave a comment

I recently came across this family Christmas letter I wrote in 2010. I thought I would share this letter with you all–as it encouraged me greatly–and I hope it will encourage you as well.

Christmas Letter 2010

Dear Friends and Family,

This year was in direct contrast with last year. Half of last year we spent in the hospital with my Dad, as we watched him slowly dying.

This year was filled with many blessings: family vacations, family weddings, milestones in business,  and kid’s accomplishments.

All these things are a reminder that life – she is a changing!! If we are ever in a place of despair, and we think this is all we will ever experience, time will prove us wrong.

In the midst of all this change, God does not— His love is ever constant, His forgiveness a gift He offers to all, and His power He gives to all who depend on Him.

Each Christmas season we celebrate Deity becoming human flesh, and dwelling among us. As we close out this yearly letter, I’d like to leave you with the words from an old Christmas carol, the 3rd verse of Hark the Herald Angels sing, (sometimes the old songs express it most beautifully):

Hark the Herald Angels Sing

Hail the heav’n-born Prince of Peace!

Hail the Son of Righteousness!

Light and life to all He brings

Ris’n with healing in His wings

Mild He lays His glory by

Born that man no more may die

Born to raise the sons of earth

Born to give them second birth

Hark! The herald angels sing,

“Glory to the newborn King!”

Staying In The Moment

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou7 Comments

Our Family decorated our Christmas Tree this week.  Our son’s family came over, we made hot cocoa, with real whipping cream and marshmallows.  Some of us like both at the same time!!

This was the first year we had two Christmas trees—to hold all the decorations.

My grandchildren were excited and enthusiastic!!  Oh, what a joy they were to watch, as they decorated the tree!

Yet, this was one of the hardest years since my son Sean died, to stay in the moment, and stand in the joy of the moment.

Grief threatened every moment to overwhelm me, and some moments it did.  Some moments, I could not stop the tears from flowing.  

When I was putting up the ornaments with my family—I wanted to escape the pain and the grief so badly—I wanted to run away.  Instead, God presence was very tangible to me.  He told me He was with me and that He would not leave me.   He urged me to “Stay in the Moment”, and not escape. 

A song, called Keep Me In The Moment by Jeremy Camp—has become my mantra during this time to remind me of what the Holy Spirit has been whispering in my ear.  The Refrain to this song goes:

“Keep me in the moment,⁠ Help me live with my eyes wide open,⁠ ‘Cause I don’t wanna miss what you have for me..⁠ Singing oh Lord, show me what matters,⁠ Throw away what I’m chasing after,⁠ ‘Cause I don’t wanna miss what you have for me.”

I hope this message encourages you, and I hope this song will encourage you as it has encouraged me—to stay in the moment—so we don’t miss all that God has for us!!  Let’s Be Encouraged!!

Sean James Stanton

Published on by katiesencouragementforyou10 Comments

7 years ago, on September 16th, my 16 year old son Sean was riding his bike.  It was a beautiful, lovely September day.  He was hit by a vehicle.  My husband is a firefighter/first responder and he was paged to the accident, not knowing that it was Sean, but knowing it was Sean at the same time.

A friend of ours kept a journal of the events of that fateful day and the events that were to follow. She gave me copies of this journal recently and I am going to share some of her thoughts with you all, to give glory to the Lord who carried us through these days, and has been carrying us every day since.

“It’s been about 2 1/2 weeks since Sean Stanton got hit by a car while riding his bike and died the next day.  Of course, there are some moments about that week that I’ll never forget, but I want to record a few things because I know how time goes by and some of the details slip away.

Monday, September 16th about 6:10 pm Katie called and said, “Listen, Sean’s been hit by a car and is going to be life flighted to Hurley and I need to bring the girls over.”  She came over with the girls and then left to go to the hospital.  Rich called a few minutes later….I asked about Sean and he said, “It’s bad, it’s bad” and then gave the phone to Katie.  She told me that she got to see Sean and bent down to pray for him and was all bloody when she stood up.  She also begged me to spread the word to anyone/everyone to pray!  She said, “Pray specifically that he’ll live because he might not! (ugh!) and that he doesn’t have a head injury, that his neck isn’t broken, that he won’t be paralyzed and that he’ll have a full recovery.”

So, we prayed, emailed others to pray, etc.  While I was gone in the evening, LP called and talked to my husband… not good news….brain damage, internal bleeding and the Doctor at Hurley Medical Center, told them to prepare for the worst.  LP went to get the Stantons’ other kids so they could all be together.

So we tried to sleep but it was nearly impossible.  I texted them at midnight that I was thinking of them with a heavy but hopeful heart and Katie replied that” they were waiting to get test results to see if he is brain dead or not”  Oh, I can’t imagine how her night went.  I tried to sleep but got back up at 1pm and came out to the living room to pray…of course, I wanted God to choose to glorify Himself through healing Sean…stunning the medical world, etc.  I found out later Katie stayed up all night singing to Sean.  Oh, how hard that memory will be…but hopefully somehow precious as well.  Rich said he thinks he finally slept around 3 a.m. for a bit…in the room with Sean. 

Tues 9/17:  I took S & B to the children’s museum and while we there in the music room Katie texted @ 11:43am:  “He’s gone.”  I read it and gasped then covered my mouth and started to cry.  I think S asked, “Is it about Sean?”  and then after I nodded, “Did Sean die?”  I told her yes and that we had to go.  I dropped off B and came home and cried with my husband…he hugged me and I cried…although he was choked up, too.  Of course, we couldn’t eat and felt totally shocked…it was surreal…unbelievable and heartbreaking.  We felt utterly helpless as to how reach out to the Stantons…we assumed they’d be home later that night and we’d see them but we didn’t know that Sean was being sustained on life support so his organs could be donated.  After a long, sad, confusing day, (people were posting on Sean’s FB to keep praying…he’s still alive…ugh…it was awful.)

Finally I talked to LP, who called Katie to find out what was happening and then it was clear…yes, he’s gone but being sustained till the organ donor team could come.  Meanwhile, lots of email and fb messages going back and forth…..  Todd Wilson*, after I emailed him about Rich being so strong for his family, “I hope God never asks it of me.”

Wednesday, September 18, 2013—I had decided the night before, (after talking to LP again) that I would drive down and hope to see them.  They had been told 24-36 hours til the organ donor team would be in place.  She also said Rich and Katie had welcomed Sean’s friends to come and see him…Rich referred to it as a “living visitation”.  I guess most of Shepherd’s Cross Country team came down and many others.  The girl Sean liked came down and her mother posted on Sean’s fb page that they had their “1st and last kiss” – ugh—so sad.  So, I arrived at 10 and found Katie sitting by Sean’s bed with her sister.  We hugged and cried and then she introduced me to her sister and started telling me how things had gone the day before as far as people coming to see Sean, as well as just reminiscing and telling funny stories about Sean.

This  is where the really powerful memories became etched on my heart—seeing Katie and her mom weeping together, holding each other with really no words, seeing M & D just sobbing as the reality would hit them afresh and then Rich strong, comforting, rock solid– reminding them of God’s sovereignty while heart broken himself….wow.  He reminded them that God could have made Sean or the driver, (a believer—which was so comforting for them I think.) go a little faster or a little slower but for them both to be there at that exact moment was basically a divine appointment.  Rich reminded us all, (as he spoke to his sons), that our tears are for ourselves and that Sean is in a better place.

I went to Sean’s bedside and held his hand and arm and looked at his face thanking God for the 16+ years that we all had him and for his sweet spirit and kind heart.

Katie said that morning as we sat by Sean’s bed that they knew he was already in heaven but I’m sure they, like me feel thankful for those bedside moments…seeing Sean still warm and still breathing, although not on his own…it was far more peaceful and comforting than seeing him in the casket.  I know that’s the whole point of a viewing…seeing that the person—their soul and spirit—is gone and that what you see is merely a ‘shell’… this earthly tent.  JC wrote something about this on facebook and mentioned that his dad reminded him that people think about us as “having’ a soul but in reality we are the soul and we have a body.  Anyway, I just felt thankful for every moment that I shared with the Stantons by Sean’s side that morning.  I told them how very generous it was for them to share Sean and those moments in the hospital with anyone who wanted to come.  Even while I was there one of them was on the phone with someone from MP who wanted to know if people could still come or if they wanted people to stop coming and they said if people want to come tell them to come.  WOW!

Then my dear friend wrote this in a letter, when she shared this journal with me:

We are praying for your whole family as you remember, hurt, and grieve together on a deeper level this week.  I’m guessing it never really gets any easier to go on without Sean.  We love you guys and are thankful for your friendship and are humbled as we watch you move forward in life with such deep wounds and pain.  Watching you “keep on keeping on” in your faith after losing Sean.. well, it’s a gift to those around you to see you “suffering well”  (reference is from a Piper article I read a while back…actually it was written by another guy Marshall Segal, who writes for DesiringGod.org…”Few things fortify the soul against Satan’s deception like watching another Christian suffer with persevering faith.  When we watch others walk through the valley of the shadow of death with purpose and joy in God, through ups and downs, their faithfulness and endurance inspire fresh hopefulness and vigilance.”  It’s a great article and of course, made me think of you both.)  One of the most powerful images I carry with me, (that I didn’t write about in this journal entry) is of you guys singing with hands held high In praise to our loving Father at Sean’s funeral…“Praise you in the Storm.”  It is seared in my heart and mind…witnessing your faith…trusting God despite the horrendous circumstance that you were facing.

I’m so sorry Sean is gone….so sorry you didn’t get to watch him continue to mature into adulthood and see him become an Uncle, (a doting Uncle I’m sure) to your precious grandkids or become a dad himself one day.  He certainly would’ve been an amazing husband and father!!  He was one of the warmest souls I have ever known.

This is me – Katie—speaking now—what a precious gift my friend has given to us by sharing with us this journal—by continuing to show her love and concern.  One of the ways that God ministered to us then and now– is through His body of believers—people who came along besides us and helped us and ministered to us. I wrote my own version of these events in my blog, “The Gift of Grace”, where I talk about God’s presence which sustained us and still sustains us.

I wanted you all—people I have met and people I have not—to know that God is real.  He is real.  He is love– even during the worst times of your life.  I am praying for all of you reading this blog, right now, that you will know God and be filled up with His love which has no end. I am praying that you will be encouraged!

*I used Todd Wilson’s full name as he is a public person, as a Christian author and speaker.